I’m not talking about the actual bee. Queen B was my mother’s “nickname” for me when she felt I was being a bitch. I’m not entirely sure when she started calling me that, but I think I may have been around 10 years old. And if she wasn’t calling me that, she’d call me “Mary”. This “nickname” is actually her sister’s name, apparently I would remind her of Mary — as my aunt was not known to be particularly friendly or family oriented, they thought she had an “ugly” personality. My interactions with my Aunt Mary have always been….fine. I think she used to be very introverted, and my mom’s family (the Clarke’s) can be overbearing, in your business kind of people. That’s not necessarily a bad thing either, it’s who they are as a family, but it can be off-putting to introverted people. And in Mary’s and my case, it made us targets for “teasing”.
So, here’s the thing about growing up being called a bitch not only by your peers, but by your own family (my mom was not the only one to call me Queen B), it destroys your self worth. Instead of trying to figure out where my “bitchiness” was coming from, I was taunted and ridiculed. Kids at school didn’t so much ridicule me, they just didn’t want to have anything to do with me.
So, why was I such a bitch? I’m not really sure, honestly. I definitely think it goes back to my depression. I was very irritable, lacked patience, was outspoken, and bossy (aka bitchy). I clearly had some “stuff” going on that I did NOT know how to handle. And the adults around me didn’t seem to know or want to help me, other than to poke fun at me. I think our parents, all adults really, should model the behaviors they want from us — like using manners. You want your kid to say “please” and “thank you”, but do you say it to them? My parents didn’t “ask” us to do things, it was “Do this” or “Do that”. So, I modeled that behavior. Even at school, I was bossy with my peers. And I think I’d yell (at least in elementary school) a lot. I definitely remember yelling at a boy named Billy Moore when he’d kiss or annoy any of the girls. I would stick up for the girls because they wouldn’t stick up for themselves, at least that was my view. However, those same girls that I would try to “protect” certainly didn’t have trouble pointing out my faults and ways I should change myself to be more likeable. Problem is, I couldn’t maintain their suggestions or standards because at home I was being “picked on” too. It’s hard on a kid when they don’t “fit” at school or at home….it can make you a bitchy person. So, it becomes a cycle of shittiness.
I know even today family members and “friends” think I’m a bitch. Who can’t be? Have you never said or done something to someone you regret? Hell yea! I know you have. But I can’t keep apologizing for things I did or said as a kid (this includes being a teenager and an early adult). I’m not that person anymore. Sure, I’m ashamed of the behavior and things I’ve said, but I can’t change it, other than to apologize.
So, do I think I’m a bitch….No, but I can be if I’m pushed. I actually think I’m a pretty decent person. I will go out of my way to help others. I try my best to support their dreams or goals. And while I’m not a “cheerleader” type of person, I will do my best to encourage them. Don’t we all want that? Positive encouragement? I know I do….though it does feel “off” or foreign when someone does encourage me. Ok, yes, it makes me uncomfortable because I have been programmed for only negative input.
You see that’s where I think my mom made her “mistake” with me. She didn’t know how to be a positive force for me because her model, my grandmother, was not one for her. It’s a domino effect until you recognize it and make a change. I have to work very, very hard not to be negative to John and Jakob. It’s much easier to be negative for me. Lifting another person up is hard, especially when I see such little to no worth in myself.
Back to Queen B…obviously I hated being called that. Honestly, I loathed it! The point of it was to shame me for my attitude and behavior. I definitely think there are better ways to talk to someone about shitty attitudes or bad behaviors. Do I know what those ways are? No, I’m still trying to figure it out. I just know that I don’t want anyone to feel the way I have or do because of something I’ve said to them. If I could go back and change the past, I don’t know that I would anyway for everything that has happened in my life has brought me to this moment. Change one of those things, and I wouldn’t have the epiphany to make better decisions, try to be a more positive person, help others, write a blog, use manners. I just want to be a better person than what people thought of me when I was a small child, a teenager, a twenty-something, etc. I want to be better than I was yesterday. I want to model that for Jakob and break the cycle. I’ve never given him a negative nickname, he is my “Sonshine” and my “Boo-Boo Bear”. He makes me happy, even when he messes up, I can’t stop loving him and feeling positive about who he is as a person. He makes me want to be positive and look forward to the future, which is why I want to purge the past, hence the blog.