Have you ever felt betrayed? Like someone you trusted hurt you on purpose or maybe not on purpose, but they hurt you deeply? If you’ve never felt betrayed by another person, you are, well, a unicorn! Because it happens to everyone at some point in their life. Sure, lots of us have been betrayed by an ex-friend or ex-lover, but have you ever felt betrayed by a parent? My brothers and I have. The problem is….we can’t confront them, more specifically our mom, since they are both deceased. You can’t confront the dead. And it’s even harder to figure out their motivations when they are dead. This can be crippling when trying to move forward in life. As much as I hate to admit something like that, and for as long as they have been gone, there are still lingering anger issues over what we perceive as betrayal. Let me tell you the story, then you can tell me what you think…..are we over-reacting? Being entitled?
As the anniversary of my mom’s death approaches this month, and her birthday, I have been thinking about her a LOT. Unfortunately, even after 16 years since she died, I’m still a bit salty….no, annoyed…..no, angry…..no PISSED at her. Time heals all wounds, right? Not so much in this case. Let me go back to about 10 months after my dad’s death in 2000. So, May 2001…it just so happens to be my birthday in May. My mom decides we should go shopping (ok, I probably said something to her about going shopping together). Well, as we are driving to the mall together, she gets on her cell phone with Mike Bennington, a friend slash coworker of hers that lives in Minnesota. He’s working on cleaning the windows of his house that day, yadda, yadda, yadda. And as they go to hang up, they say “I love you” to one another. Yeah. I’m pissed. For a few reasons….1) my dad hadn’t even been dead a year; 2) she had only told me that she was dating Mike less than 20 minutes before the phone call; 3) it was my birthday; and 4) Mike was married. Not sure which one pissed me off more. Let’s just say, it ruined that birthday shopping trip. I was shocked and disgusted that she was involved with a married man. Even if his marriage was falling apart and total shit, it was completely inappropriate for her to date him until he was divorced. I mean, he wasn’t even separated from his wife. Oh, and they had actually been dating for a couple of months at least.
A few months later Mike moved to Virginia for the job at the same company my mom worked. He rented a room in someone’s house, but he really stayed at my mom’s…aka the house my parents shared for over 30 years. At this point, Mike moved forward with divorcing his wife. I mean, he had left her in Minnesota with their quadriplegic son. Of course, as soon as his kids (one son and one daughter) found out that he was dating my mom, they stopped speaking to him. Anyway, I’m not entirely sure how long it took for the divorce filing to go thru, but by May 2002 Mom was diagnosed with cancer. How do I remember that? Well, I was on my way home from a doctor’s appointment when she called me in the car (I was driving from Manassas to Bealeton, about a 45 minute drive during rush hour) to tell me. The next day at 3:00am, my water broke and Jakob was born 5 weeks early. And within a couple of weeks of that, she and Mike were engaged to be married. And a couple of weeks later the doctors removed a portion of her skull for the biopsy of her cancer. I left my three or four week old baby with my wonderful sister-in-law, Jane, so I could be at the hospital with her. The day we brought her home, she and I stood at the kitchen sink trying to wash the blood out her her long, thick hair. I don’t quite remember when the diagnosis came in that she had Pheochromocytoma (cancer of the adrenal gland), but it had to have been within a couple of weeks of the surgery. At the time she and Mike would go to Colonial Beach on the weekends like my parents did so often. One weekend in particular John and I joined them so that I could go to the salon with her so they could cut her hair off. I don’t think she’d had short hair since she was 15 years old. And if you knew my mom, she had AMAZING hair! I cried when they cut it off.
Anyway, back to the story of betrayal….after her diagnosis, things get even more interesting. She and Mike were moving full speed ahead with wedding plans, which dumbfounded my brothers and I. She had been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer! Unfortunately, we had been down this path just a couple of years prior, but her argument to me was “that’s just the kind of people we are.” She basically meant that living together without the marriage commitment wasn’t enough. So, in January 2003 they got married. And a few weeks later she sold the house she had lived in for more than 30 years in order to purchase and move into a 3-story townhouse. I point out the 3-story bit about the townhouse because her cancer was in her left hip, which means that walking caused pain. I asked her, “why the hell would you do that, you have to walk up 2 flights of stairs to get to your bedroom”. Her answer: “well, that’s why we had the basement finished with a bedroom and a bathroom, so that when I can’t climb the stairs I can just move down there.” I also enquired about the down payment on the house and about the way the deed was set up (Survivorship vs. Right of Survivorship). I asked this of her because the proceeds from the sale of her shared home with my father, which had been paid off after 30 years was considerable and was being used to basically pay for this new townhouse, approximately $500,000. She assured me that she set everything up as Right of Survivorship, which meant that her portion (50%) of the house would go to Joey, Jimmy and me as her heirs.
Not long after this I started to notice some changes with her, the first of which were the daily phone calls. Yeah, Mom called me every day on her way home from work. She’d even occasionally call me during her work day (I was a stay-at-home mom at this point). But the calls had almost stopped altogether, that is until I confronted her about it. You see, she and Mike were commuting together everyday, so she had someone else to talk to. Supposedly, Mike told her that since it was important to me, she should continue to make the daily calls. It wasn’t the same after that, because, well, he was in the car with her. I also began to notice her “ducking out” of family gatherings. You have to understand, my mom adored her siblings, especially her brother, Donnie. I distinctly remember being at Donnie’s house for something, maybe Christmas, we were all chatting having a nice time when suddenly someone asked “Where are Fran and Mike?” They had left without saying goodbye. Now, if you knew my mom, this made no sense, she always took close to an hour to get her to leave. I can remember being a little kid at my grandmothers and Dad would say it was time to go, he’d go start the car, and would be practically dragging Mom out of Granny’s house because it was late….cause Mom wouldn’t stop talking! And I had been to enough social (insurance) events as Mom’s “side kick” that this even held true for non-family events. But it seemed to happen everytime with them….Mike would say “let’s go” and she’d jump up, grab her purse, and they’d be out the door.
She would also tell me to “keep your mouth shut” about observations I had made about their decorating of the townhouse. Other than using all of my parents furniture and decorations, Mike chose some interesting pieces that were not like my mom at all. There was artwork in their bedroom which I found odd and a collection of water pitchers in the kitchen. None of it matched my mother’s style or tastes, which of course I pointed out (to her) to which she said “don’t say a word!” Do I think he was abusing her? I honestly don’t know. I definitely don’t think he ever physically touched her. I mean, she was a black belt in karate. But he could have been emotionally or psychologically messing with her. Again, I don’t know. She had become quite secretive about things which I didn’t find out until after she passed. And this is when Mike’s facade started to crack.
If you’ve read my mom’s story about her cancer and death, you know that she went for an experimental treatment at Duke University in September 2004. She once told me that she regretted going for that treatment. The doctors had injected her with a radioactive isotope. It didn’t work, and she knew it. She said she could feel the cancer inside her, like the organs it was in weren’t working correctly, and she knew it. Anyway, by late February the doctors had to sit her down and explain to her that she was in fact dying and there was nothing they could do for her. They actually had to tell her to train someone to do her job! She was working the entire time, even when she took time off at the beginning of her cancer treatments, she kept working. So, for a few weeks one of her co-workers would go to her house to be trained on how to do her job. Mike was still going into the office every day. On one particular afternoon our Uncle Charlie stopped by to visit Mom. He was extremely concerned with how she looked, so he called and said that we needed to get over to her house asap. I lived 45 minutes away, John’s office was 20 minutes away, my brothers were at work. So, John, Marilyn, and Jane high tailed it over to Mom’s house since Joey, Jimmy and I needed more time to get there. Welp, Mike came home from work around 5pm to find John, Marilyn, and Jane sitting in the living room with Mom….and he was pissed. I mean pissed. He basically kicked them out of the house. Mind you, I was talking to my mom every day, and she sounded fine, so I figured my uncle had simply over-reacted to how she looked.
But by Saturday, March 12th things had taken a quick downturn. I called around 4:00pm to chat with Mom while I prepared dinner (this had become our normal routine), but her sister, Mary, answered the phone. (Mary is married to Charlie by the way.) Mary informed me that hospice was at the house and that Mom would call me back after they left. A couple of hours later Mary called to let me know that if we didn’t come to see her that night, we needed to be there first thing in the morning. History was repeating itself! I freaked out. I had to find my brothers. Thank goodness they happened to be together at dinner. John and I packed bags really fast and rushed out the door. We were there by 7:30pm. She slipped into a coma by 9pm. I sat up all night in the family room holding her hand while chatting with Mike. It seemed peaceful. She died at 9am the next morning just after I gave her a morphine pill in her cheek.
After the funeral home came to take her body away, Mike decided he needed to go purchase a new television for the family room since his family would be coming in town for the funeral. I didn’t want him to be alone so John went with him. John, Jakob and I spent the night with Mike because we didn’t want to leave him alone, but the next day he kicked us out since his family (his sister and parents, I think) were coming for the funeral. Ok. We understood. That Monday we all met at the funeral home to pick out her urn and make funeral arrangements. We decided that since her birthday was actually on Saturday, March 19th, we should hold her funeral that day. We also decided which night for the visitation. Marilyn, Jane and I took on the responsibility of planning the funeral reception (finding a location to accommodate the large number of mourners and a caterer to feed them all). None of use heard from Mike until the night of the visitation when he came walking in at the exact time it was to begin (6pm). And he walked out at exactly 8pm when it ended without saying goodbye or anything else to us. I don’t remember even being introduced to his family other than his daughter whom I had already met on a previous visit. I don’t even remember talking to Mike at the funeral either, but it was chaotic. I believe close to 200 people attended, and I was trying to speak to everyone, though I only remember speaking with my cousin, Scott M. That’s just how crazy it was.
Of course since our mom’s funeral was at 3pm on Saturday, March 19th, the cemetery could not bury her due to the lateness of the day. So, our family returned to the cemetery on Monday the 21st for her interment. Afterwards we (mom’s siblings, Mike, Joey, Jimmy and I, and our spouses and kids) all went to brunch. That was it. We didn’t really hear from Mike after that, at least I didn’t.
A few weeks later, John, Jakob and I were in Orlando for a business conference that John had to attend when my cell phone rang early in the morning. It was my brother, Joey. He wanted to know what was happening with Mom’s estate. Even though I was the executor of the estate, I didn’t know much. I had asked Mike some questions previously about the Will, and he said, “you have the Will.” The Will I had was written when my dad was still alive, but I knew that Mom and Mike were working with a lawyer to write up a new one. Eventually, I found out the the lawyer was supposed to meet with Mom and Mike on Monday, March 14th for them to sign the “new” Will. Obviously it didn’t happen. Our (Joey, Jimmy and I) whole motivation to see this Will was to make sure that Mike was being taken care of since Mom had told us that the house was set up as Right of Survivorship, we were the beneficiaries of her life insurance, and any investments she and Dad had made. NOPE!!!! WRONG!!!!
Mike refused to let us be informed or see what the “new” Will would have stipulated. From what I understand there was supposed to be a Trust set up for all five of their children (Mike’s 2 kids, and my brothers and me). Needless to say, this never happened. Since Mike was refusing to communicate this kind of information with me, I had to call her office to find out about her 401(k)….Federal Law states that the beneficiary is the surviving spouse unless that spouse signs away the rights to the money. There was approximately $200,000 in this account. However, Joey, Jimmy and I were the beneficiaries of her group life insurance at work which came to about $200,000 to be split three-ways. I also called my mom’s best friend, Kathy, to inquire about the Right of Survivorship for the house — Kathy worked for a Title company which I mistakenly thought had done the settlement on the townhouse. Again, Mom had told me she set it up that Joey, Jimmy and I would receive her portion (50%) of the house — not that we would force Mike to sell, but we would need to figure some things out. BUT come to find out Mom did NOT set it up that way. It was set as Survivorship, which meant Mike now owned 100% of the house. The house at the time was estimated to be worth $680,000. I then tried to find out about Mom’s individual life insurance policy, which I believe was about $200,000+. Mike was the beneficiary. I also needed to figure out what to do with Mom’s car since it was part of the Estate — well within a couple of weeks of receiving the Death Certificates, Mike took her car and his and traded them in for a brand new Tahoe.
At this point, Mike had found out from Kathy and the office that I was making inquiries behind his back, and he was PISSED! Frankly, I was trying to do my due-diligence as the Executor of the Estate, and since he was refusing to answer my questions, I had no choice but to go around him. This ended up biting us in the ass because Mike turned on us, more specifically me. He decided to sue the estate for more money as a way to punish us. What money you may be asking yourself. Well, the money left in our Father’s life insurance policy. When Dad died he had a life insurance policy of $150,000 of which our mother had used $50,000. Which left the Estate with $100,000. And Mike wanted ALL of it!
So, we hired an attorney to represent our interests. This is how we found out about the Trust that was supposed to be set up and the fact that Mom had been liquidating assets — retirement funds. I knew for a fact that Mom had a shit-ton of CDs, which she purchased when working at New York Life. Not the best retirement decision, but I knew they existed because for the 4 or 5 years she worked a NY Life she received one every pay period. Where were they? Mike said they didn’t exist. Well, they must have at some point because the day she died the balance on their joint checking account was $200,000. I suspect this money was supposed to be put into the family trust. Of course now that she was dead and the “new” Will had never been signed, this money was his to keep. And what about the $100,000 leftover from Dad’s life insurance? Thank God we had a good attorney. He talked them (Mike and his attorney) into taking $15,000. Yep, I had to write Mike a check for that amount to get him to “go away”. Our attorney also convinced Mike to hand over certain pieces of furniture like my dad’s rocking chair that he sat in every day before he died — if you’re wondering, I have it. It’s in Jakob’s bedroom. By the time I paid the attorney fees, there wasn’t much money left to be split 3-ways. It was a very sad representation to my brothers and me of what our parents had worked so hard for over the years.
And Mike wasn’t done, he said a lot of shitty things about me. He said I was greedy and a bitch. I didn’t care about the fucking money other than it would have been nice to have money for the grandkids for their futures. We didn’t have much growing up. I wore hand-me-downs until I surpassed everyone in height and weight. I actually wanted my mom’s clothes, but to this day I have no idea what happened to them. Mom and I had shared clothes since I was in high school. I know for a fact that some of my own outfits that she had borrowed were hanging in her closet the day she died. I’ve never seen them again. Mike wouldn’t let me have them. At least the day she died I had the foresight to go into her closet and “borrow” a black dress for her funeral…..it hangs in my closet to this day, even though it’s out of style and probably doesn’t fit. I haven’t put it on since the funeral. I also don’t know what happened to Mom’s jewelry. I have a few pieces, like her engagement and wedding ring from my dad, and her pearl necklace, but most of it is costume jewelry. We never did get our dad’s wedding ring which Mom wore on a necklace for several months after he died. I think my brothers would like to have that ring. Dad never took it off.
Well, fi you’ve kept track of all the numbers I’ve thrown at you, Mike was made a millionaire after our mom died. None of us have heard from him since before the attorneys got involved. From what we know, he remarried a few years after our mom died, sold the townhouse, retired, bought a home in West Virginia and Arizona, and plays golf. But it’s been 16 years, he could be anywhere.
As I’m sure you can tell by reading this entry, I’m angry, even after 16 years. It hurts that she wasn’t honest with us. It also felt like she turned her back on what our dad would have wanted in order to appease Mike. She had been with our dad for almost 35 years, and with Mike for less than four years. We felt abandoned. Frankly, I think we still do. While most people our age are dealing with aging parents, we are essentially orphans and would give anything to deal with parents in their 70s right now. And to know we could trust them to be honest with us. Did Mom lie to me about the Right of Survivorship because Mike had made the decision? Was she trying to do the right thing by setting up the trust (that never happened)? Did Mike see her as a “cash cow”? Did he ever love her? Or was he just in it for the money? I wish I knew. He obviously did not like us. And he clearly wanted to hurt us. Why? What did we do that was so bad? All I can say is life is NOT fair. We (I) just have to try to “let go” of the disappointment, anger, and heartbreak which unfortunately is taking a very long time to overcome, which taints the memories of our mom. Sad, isn’t it?