Actually, I have a friend (Kathy L.) who refers to me as her Cussing Christian Friend. Does it offend you that I cuss? Maybe, maybe not. Depends, I guess on whether or not you cuss a lot too. Like my other friend, Kathy H., now she cusses like a sailor, and makes me look like a saint. But I love both Kathy’s! Whether they cuss or not. And I certainly don’t put restrictions on them. And they don’t put them on me. I know Kathy L. for a long time wished I wouldn’t cuss, but over time she realized that my foul mouth did not diminish my capacity to love our Heavenly Father or others. I’m actually a pretty loving person, dammit! Now, I don’t cuss every day, all day long, I cuss to put a sort of exclamation point on something I feel is important. Has it always been that way? Nope. How did it start? Better yet, when? I actually started cussing in the 5th or 6th grade. Now, I think that’s a fairly young age to be saying “shit” or “fuck”, but I did. Not in front of my parents, that came in high school. No, I would cuss out neighborhood kids who would pick on us (Joey, Jimmy & I) for wearing uniforms and going to Catholic School. I’m certain we’ve discussed this before, but my mouth has always been my weapon of choice, I truly dislike getting “physical” with someone — that’s only happened once, and she scared the crap out of me! Now, I have punched guys in the arms, but normally that was in jest (except Joey & Jimmy, besides they’d hit me back). Where did this language come from? Honestly, my mom. Good night did she cuss a lot when she was driving or when we kids were getting on her last nerves. On one particular occasion she was leaving church, with Joey and I in the back seat, waiting for the long line to move so she could get out of the parking lot, when she heard, “Get out of my mommy’s way you bassard!” It wasn’t me….it was Joey, and he was about 2 years old. Apparently she had said it enough times before that he picked up on it, and decided if she wasn’t going to say anything than he would come to her aid. Can you imagine?!?! Well, I can because my cousins, Ellen and Robin, did the same thing. I’m 15 years older than Ellen, so by the time she came along, I was a full-fledged-in-your-face-cussing-kiss-my-ass-mother-fucker kind of talker. I was particularly fond of saying, “God dammit” or “Jesus Christ”. I know, not very Christian of me, but I’ve never said it in a way to curse God or Jesus, it’s always been a phrase of frustration for me. Anyway, one particular weekend we were all at the beach house when this cute little voice says “Jesus Christ!” Followed by an audible gasp from all the adults. Followed by “BARBIE!!!!” “What? I didn’t say it!” “No, but she learned it from you.” Crap! It’s true, she did. BTW I think it was Robin that time, but I think Ellen uttered the other (GD) once too. Yep, I was a terrible role model for them. Because I had been cussing for so long, it would just come out of me, no conscious thought would go into uttering those words. I had to work really hard NOT to cuss, and that’s near impossible for me. And that’s not the only time cussing has gotten me in trouble. My freshman year of high school (transitioning from 9 years of Catholic school to public school was tough), some guy accidentally bumped into me. Welp, I told him to watch where the fuck he was going. He didn’t take kindly to that. No, he did not. He decided he was going to have his sister kick my ass later that day. This was all before 1st period! I had to find Joey, QUICK! I remember running through the hall to find Joey between 1st & 2nd period to tell him what happened. Thank goodness he was able to find the guy….”I hear you’re going to have your sister beat up my sister.” “Oh, man, shit, that was YOUR sister?” I guess he was more afraid of Joey than of me.
Probably the most memorable was the Road Rage incident. Ok, there were 2 but I learned NOT to cuss out other drivers where they could read my lips after the second incident. The first one took place at Potomac Mills Mall (Texas friends, this is a HUGE outlet mall in Northern Virginia) as my sister-in-law and I were leaving the mall. Back then there was the mall, surrounded by parking spaces/lots, and to get out of the mall parking you had to drive out to the circle that took you to a traffic light. And I’m pretty sure there was only one way out…that traffic light. So, Marilyn & I had spent a lovely afternoon shopping. We missed lunch, so Marilyn had purchased a sandwich to eat while I drove us home. Of course, it was a hot day, so when we got in the car, we rolled the windows down. I was driving a black, Buick Lasabre at this time, so it was indeed hot! I pull out of my parking space and drive towards the circle. Since there is only the one exit and the light is short, it takes a while to move along. At one point a girl in a much smaller car cut me off and almost hit my front end. “What the fuck!!!!” Her boyfriend was in the passenger seat and saw (maybe heard) me shout. He did NOT like that one bit. He starts cussing at me. You know me, I’m not going to back down, so I flip him the bird. Next thing I know, I see him reach his right arm across his body to undo his seatbelt. SHIT!!! “Roll up the window! Roll up the WINDOW!!!” Marilyn is utterly confused, poor girl was just trying to eat her sandwich. She had no idea what was happening. Can I just say, this was the WORST time to not have crank windows! Or those fancy pull the window trigger once & it rolls up on its own. I had regular ole electric windows! Marilyn and I were pulling on those little triggers so hard praying they would roll up fast enough. I also locked the doors, thank goodness for electric locks! By the time he got to my side of the car, he was cussing and telling me to get out of my car. So, what do I say, “You’re a BIG man, trying to beat up a woman! Fuck you!” He didn’t like that either. So, he starts beating on my windshield. And as he’s doing this, I look into the car he got out of only to see the drivers head slide down below the seat back. I guess she was embarrassed. Mind you, SHE almost hit me. So, he gets back in the car because the light changes, we all crawl forward about a car length when the light turns red again. SHIT! He turns around in his seat, and he’s cussing me out through the back window. Fuck you, I’m not going to take that. I cuss back with equal measure. Finally, the girlfriend realizes he’s going to exit the car to come after me again, so before he can unclip his belt, she shoots her car off to the right, back into the parking lot and around the building. Marilyn and I just looked at each other dumbfounded.
A few months later I found myself in a similar situation. Another Road Rage incident. I was heading to aerobics class by myself during rush hour traffic when some dude in a pick up cut in front of me, barely missing my front bumper. “What the fuck?!?!” And I flipped him the bird. As luck would have it the light turned RED at that moment. So, he threw his truck in park, got out, and started cussing me out — at least he had the “control” to stay next to his drivers side door. Um, this time I was alone. I very quickly lost my courage, swagger, gusto for a fight. He was bigger than the last road rage guy, definitely more menacing. Where was Joey now???? That was the last time I openly flipped the bird and cussed out another driver. Both these incidents happened in my late teens. I’m not saying that I don’t drop the f-bomb when someone cuts me off now, I just try to be more discrete about it. And if I flip them the bird, it’s below the sight line of the other driver. Besides, I live in Texas now, and they carry down here. The release of cussing someone out for something stupid they’ve done is just not worth it.
Here’s the thing, though, I will likely continue to cuss while telling stories, especially if sharing evokes an emotion. I tend to favor the word “shit”. I think it’s a good, descriptive word. It stands alone very well. I mean it is a complete sentence in many situations. You can emote anger or sadness or doom with just one word. You can even use it in a way that shows you are impressed with something. That’s pretty f-ing cool, don’t you think? Shit yeah!