I’ve had insomnia this week. It happens from time to time. Well, it happens a LOT. John wants me to have a sleep study done, which I’m looking into, but I have concerns…..like, I get up several (2-5 times) per night to pee. I know, it’s a LOT! But I drink a LOT of water all day, and I’m on medications that dry me out, so I’m constantly thirsty….so, you know, I pee a LOT. That might be an over share….sorry. Anyway, when I wake up to use the facilities, my mind kicks into gear and my anxieties/worries start up. It’s a pain the in ass, really. Or I’ve had a stupid dream that I just can’t figure out…take the other day, I had a dream about Tom Cruise (you may have seen my post of the book of faces about it). The dream itself was very innocent. I mean, I gave the man a Cootie Shot. “Circle. Circle. Dot. Dot. Now you’ve had a Cootie Shot.” I don’t get it. To be frank, I’m not a big Tom Cruise fan — I think he’s a 1-trick pony with almost no range as an actor. So, why the hell did I have a dream about him? Anyway, I digress….
This week, though, besides the Cootie thing, I’ve been “looping”. In a previous post I told you about my depression, which I’ve been living with most of my life, but diagnosed at 28 and medicated for since 29 years old. I’ve been on a new medication for about 18 months now, and it has been great! If you’re curious, I’ve been on Pristiq (well, it’s generic counterpart). And it has quieted my brain so much! I never thought that would be possible. I seriously thought it was normal to think about suicide everyday, multiple times a day. Now, on Pristiq, I might think about it once every couple of weeks and even then it’s for a fleeting moment. BUT then there are still times when it seems to become almost like an obsessive thought, which is what I refer to as “looping.” Think of a pinball game, how the ball bounces around and around and around, that’s what the thoughts are like. It’s not always “you should kill yourself”, sometimes the thought is “no one would care if you were gone, their lives would be better without you” and I think of all the ways their (John, Jakob, whomever) lives would be.
A couple of weeks ago Jakob and I had a frank discussion about how I’ve probably screwed him up. He didn’t want to make me feel bad, but I know it couldn’t have been easy for him. He mentioned all the crying and my negative self-talk, and how he felt helpless to help me over the years. There’s an irrational-ness to Depression that manifests in negative thoughts and doubts. John often says to me during one of my looping episodes, “You know that’s the Depression talking.” And he’s right. I mean, I’m not afraid to die, but I certainly don’t want to kill myself. But that’s not how my brain works. If you get a minute, Google Normal Brain vs. Depressed Brain — you’ll be surprised at how dark a depressed brain is compared to a normal brain. It makes me think of the glass half-full or glass half-empty analogy. I’ve had this conversation with my brother, Joey, he’s totally a “half-FULL” kind of thinker. He sees potential in things and is a risk taker (as far as business is concerned). Me, I’m a “half-EMPTY” thinker. My programming is just different than Joey’s. I’m not optimistic about much, and I worry all the time about things that I can’t control (like what people think of me or Jakob’s future). It’s silly, I know that, LOGICALLY, “it’s making my heart understand what my mind already knows” — at least that’s how my therapist puts it.
So, in the middle of the night at 2am or whatever time I get up to pee or have a hot flash so I have to strip off a layer of clothes and my brain kicks into gear, I start looping sometimes. I try to read or listen to classical music to relax, go lie on the couch, or just listen to John breathe (sometimes snore). And eventually I conk out. I guess the issue is that it can take anywhere from 15 minutes to 3 hours for me to finally fall back to sleep. Then when I wake up for the next day, I’m not fully rested. I’m exhausted. Not that it’s much different that every “normal” day….I’m just tired all the time. Yeah, John’s probably right, it’s time for a sleep study. Ugh! It honestly makes me tired just thinking about scheduling a time to do it.