This can be a touchy subject for most of us. I know some people who believe whole heartedly in Corporal Punishment, and others who think it’s morally wrong. I’ll be honest, I’m of the latter. Now, I was raised by parents who definitely believed in spanking, and I do remember being hit, but I also think there is a fine line between punishment and abuse. I think it’s an easy line to cross over too. While I don’t feel that my parents abused us, I do think there were times when the “spanking” was excessive. We never had marks on us physically, but I do believe there were other, maybe better, alternatives to discipline.
So, let’s go back to the way my parents were raised….my mom was hit, a LOT growing up. She was “spanked” with extension cords, paddles, hands, whatever my grandmother could find. So, my mom had no reservations about spanking us when she felt we needed it. She was raised that way. My dad, on the other hand, was NOT raised with corporal punishment. I’m not real sure what kind of punishment my grandparents doled out. I do know that one time my grandfather went to “spank” my dad — he was about 7 years old I believe, and my grandfather told him to go to his room, and he would be there soon to spank him. Oh! The anticipation of when that spanking is coming, I know it well. Welp, my dad came up with the brilliant idea to put a book in his pants to protect his bum. Apparently my grandfather got a good laugh out of that, and the spanking was not done with much force. And I don’t believe my grandfather ever “hit” my dad again.
I don’t know if my parents ever discussed how they would discipline Joey, Jimmy and I when we were small. My mom wasn’t the type to say to us kids, “just wait until your father gets home, then you’ll get it.” No, mom took things into her own hands. Being that the three of us were so close in age, we were constantly bickering, “fighting”, wrestling, etc. You know, kid stuff. Well, naturally we would get on mom’s nerves, and we knew the “spankings” were coming as soon as she yelled, “get your asses upstairs right now!” Oh yeah, she’d be up in less than 5 minutes to hit us with a belt. Usually, she’d come after us with one of dad’s wide leather belts, but on one occasion she came after us with one of those skinny, pleather belts by Avon, it was red (I’ll never forget). She went after Joey with it like it was a whip. Well, I just happened to be standing behind her when she took it over her head to then snap it at Joey, when she accidentally hit me across the face (that may have left a welt, can’t remember). Can I just say, that fucking hurt! Obviously it has stuck with me all these years later. I don’t even remember how old we all were, but I remember the sting.
I have less memory of my dad being physical when we were younger, but he definitely would “go after” us when we were teenagers. As you know, I had a mouth on me, and on one particular occasion Jimmy and I were arguing with each other. Well, mom decided to intercede, which lead me to sass her….my dad came flying into the room from the other side of the house, backed me into a corner, yelling at me, then hit me open-handed across the face. I quickly ducked under his arm (as he was getting ready to strike me again) and ran for my room upstairs. He followed, slowly, but he backed me into the corner of my bed and the wall. Yelling at me the whole time. Thank goodness he decided not to hit me again. I was 15 years old. And I ran away from home about 15 minutes later (another story for another time). I also have vivid memories of him getting physical with Joey and Jimmy. And I remember being terrified when he’d get to that state. He threw Joey across a room once and slammed Jimmy into a wall another time.
So, how did these “episodes” effect us? You’d have to ask my brothers, but I know for me it made me fearful, and determined NOT to hit my kid. John and I talked the other day about our childhoods and corporal punishment, as he too was spanked as a kid. In Proverbs 13:24 the Bible says, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” Hmmm….a literal interpretation would be to hit our kids which is not what I believe to be true. But I think our parents were not properly equipped on how to discipline without inflicting pain, it’s the way they were raised. I don’t know about you, but when I feel pain, my brain shuts down, which means I’m probably not someone who can be reasoned with. Now John and I have been extremely fortunate in that we have not had to spank Jakob, but a couple of times….when he was in diapers. And I absolutely hated the way he cried when we did, so we found alternatives — time outs, times in, and commando parenting (another post for another time). The last time I hit Jakob, he was just under 2 years old. I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes when he walked up and bit my right thigh. Those little baby teeth hurt! It felt like a bee sting or something, so I reached down and swatted at it…..and hit Jakob’s face! OMG! I was mortified. I hurt my baby! I guess in my defense, he started it….But he doesn’t even remember it, so we’re good in case you’re concerned about our relationship. I’ve told him the story at least a dozen times, and he laughs! I think that was when I decided I didn’t want to hit or spank him ever again.
Like I said, John and I have been fortunate with Jakob. We try to work together as a family to resolve conflict, and isn’t that what punishment comes down to? It’s a form of conflict resolution. I know that some of you are thinking, “well, my kid doesn’t respond to anything else but spanking.” I wish I had some sort of magical advise that would work for you and your child, but I don’t, I just know what works and doesn’t work for our family.
Now, if you think raising Jakob has been all roses and daisies, it hasn’t. Just like all kiddos, he has pushed our buttons over the years, and gotten into trouble with us. When Jakob was a toddler, we would put him in time out in the dining room in a high chair. Ugh! The screaming! Did it work? Nope, not for Jakob. At one point I received advice from a child psychologist that worked for the school district (Fauquier County schools in Virgnia) who told me to try “time ins” with Jakob. What the heck is that? Well, it’s where you keep the child as close to you as possible and they are not allowed to do anything else but stand by your side while you do things. This worked well for Jakob because even though he was in trouble for bad behavior, he still felt loved and secure. When Jakob was in 3 year old Pre-K I showed up to pick him up only to find that he was NOT in his classroom — he had been sent to the office for discipline with the school director. What had he done? Well, he HIT his fellow classmate, was put in time out, then kicked his pregnant teacher while she tried to get him to stay in the time out seat. Yeah, not a good day. Let’s just say, I was fit to be tied! But how do you reason with a 3 year old??? I’m certainly not going to hit him for hitting someone else. That sends the wrong message. We had to figure something out. So, I decided I would spend time in the classroom to see how I could help with his discipline as soon as his behavior was “bad” — he didn’t like for boys to touch him, so circle time would cause a problem when all the kids legs would touch one another. If a girls leg touched him, he didn’t care, but if it was a boys like, SMACK! You get the picture.
So, how did I handle it? First thing I would do was sweep in and grab him off the floor and usher him out the door of the classroom. He’d be throwing a fit. We’d go down the hall to this little niche by the staircase, and we would pray. That’s right! We’d ask our Heavenly Father for his help with Jakob’s behavior. He’d calm down (so would I). Then we’d talk about how it was wrong to hit other people and that he needed to use his words. And finally we’d return to the classroom. Mind you he only had class twice a week for about three hours each time, so it took about 6 weeks for him to really grasp that hitting is bad, but I do believe it worked. Mainly because of the consistency.
I guess you could say that with consistency or training you can eventually get the behavior corrected, but it takes time and effort. Some people don’t have the time or energy to put in, so they go with the path of least resistance….spanking, hitting, pulling hair, the belt, the switch, etc. We had neighbors in Virginia plant a Weeping Willow Tree with the sole purpose of having their daughter “pick her switch” to be disciplined. I can’t even imagine. Thank goodness they moved when she was 2 years old; I hope they never planted another one at their new house and they never hit her. It makes me sad to think about that possibility.
Don’t get me wrong, obviously I believe children should be disciplined. No doubt about it. I just don’t like the idea of hitting them. Can you imagine messing up at work and being disciplined by your boss with being spanked? No. Who the hell would put up with that? Then why do we do that to children? Makes no sense to me. Anyway, those are my thoughts on Corporal Punishment. I do promise to write another post about Commando Parenting soon.