These are the words I hear in my head when I feel like I simply can’t deal with life. While I don’t have a lot to stress over in life currently, these words pop into my head while I’m walking the dogs, listening to music, reading an article, cleaning the house, grocery shopping or what ever I may be doing at the time. This week these words have hit me while walking the dogs. I think these are my new “looping” words and thoughts. Let me explain…as you know from my previous post, I struggle with depression — this gray albatross that can hang over my head for days at a time. Sometimes I can figure out what the “trigger” is for the dark mood. For some reason this week I’m struggling. I could have been a song lyric or a podcast I listened to, I don’t know. Hell, it could be struggling walking the dogs, who don’t listen and pull me along half the time. But I digress….
In the past, my “looping” — incessant thoughts that refuse to go away that kind of roll around in my brain like a pin ball — were more the words “I want to disappear” or “I need to go” or “I should just kill myself”. These kinds of thoughts are considered “Suicide Ideation” and they can be obsessive thoughts (looping is my term for them). Now, just because I have these thoughts doesn’t mean I intend to follow through with them, but I admit that quieting these “voices” if you will, is a huge challenge. These thoughts can hang around for hours or days basically trying to talk me into ending it all. In the moments that I am dealing with these ideations, I feel that I need to do it, to disappear, to die. It’s exhausting. Here’s the thing you need to understand, I don’t choose these thoughts, they just happen, and I certainly don’t like having them. I’ve had several people say, “Well, you just need to decide that you’re going to be in a good mood, and they will go away.” NOPE! It doesn’t work like that. People with bad eye sight, have you ever “willed” yourself to have perfect vision? Have you ever “willed” a cold out of your body? It doesn’t work because in both instances you need help — glasses or contacts for bad vision, and medicine and vitamins for the cold. Me, I need antidepressants, therapy, and coping mechanisms for my depression.
Antidepressants
I think lots of folks that take antidepressants are ashamed to tell others about it because there is a stigma that goes along with them that one can’t handle life or “pick themselves up by their bootstraps.” I think that’s crap. Without the medication, I know for certain I would be dead. Plain and simple. I’m sure some think, “well, no loss there.” But my husband and my son would be devastated. I’ve been medicated since the Fall of 2000, specifically October of that year. How do I remember that? I was extremely close to ending my life. You see my dad had died in July of that year. The loss was so hard, so profound, it cut me deep. I felt that his death was my fault. I felt that it should have been me that died, he was so admired and loved by others, it made more sense for it to be me. I felt I couldn’t do life without him. I felt I NEEDED to be with him. That’s all I wanted, to be WITH my dad. I had quit my job because I couldn’t “do life”. My therapist finally put her foot down and sent me to a psychologist. I cried the entire hour talking to her about how badly I needed to go be with my dad. She wanted to immediately put me in a hospital for psych evaluation and medication. John said no to the hospitalization, at least give the meds time to work. So, that’s what we did. I was put on Zoloft, my first of many antidepressants. Within a couple of weeks the meds helped quiet the suicidal thoughts, stop the crying jags, made it possible for me to get a new job, and to function in society.
Have they always worked? Nope. They don’t. Even on the meds I still had suicidal thoughts, crying jags, etc. they just didn’t happen every day. I could go a month or so without the emotional breakdowns. Nowadays I’m on a newer drug that helps to quiet the thoughts more than any other time in my life….I’ve even told my new psychologist that my thoughts have never been so quiet! Now the thoughts are “fleeting” — they tend to blow into my brain, then fly right out. I don’t tend to “loop” on them for hours or days. And that’s a much needed respite.
Therapy
I already mentioned therapy in my post about my Depression Diagnosis, but I think it’s an integral part of….recovery, I guess. I’m not sure what word to assign “getting better” with depression. Maybe it’s more an important part of “finding your new normal” or letting go of the things that you carry. I just think it’s good to talk to someone. My first therapist, Lisa, was a pretty good listener. She would let me talk about whatever I needed to, and occasionally she would impart some words of wisdom.
I’m currently on my fourth therapist, and I adore her. She holds me accountable, has encouraged coping mechanisms and communication. She helps me to understand that the behaviors of others is not because of me, rather their own issues. Novel concept, I know. And I’ll be honest, I really struggle with this one. If someone is rude to me, I always assume it’s because of well, me. Never have I thought it’s their own issue. I mean, shit, I had an aunt blame me for my dad’s seizures when he was dying of cancer and then the same aunt blamed my mom and I for “letting” him die. Through therapy I have come to realize (not necessarily accept) that this is because my aunt had her own issues about him and had to “blame” someone. (The story about my dad’s cancer and passing is for another post.)
So, does therapy work? I sure think so. I also don’t think we are meant to do things on our own. Therapy can help. If you have a good, educated therapist they can help put things in perspective for you. They can help you figure out the best way to cope with all that life throws at you.
Coping Mechanisms
So, here’s where a therapist can guide us with coping with the crap life can throw at us. I have several Coping Mechanisms, but what works for me may not work for others. I know a lot of people like Yoga or Meditation….not me! I’ve tried them both multiple times, but it’s too quiet for me, which makes the negative thoughts ramp up or spin even faster. The goal of the Coping Mechanism is to quiet those negative thoughts down, so here are some of mine:
- Sleeping/napping (oh, I love naps!)
- Coloring (Adult coloring books, markers and colored pencils)
- Reading (a good book — social media can defeat the purpose of “trying to deal with negativity”)
- Listening to music (my go to’s are Classic Rock and/or Christian)
- Listening to PodCasts
- Gardening (ok, it’s really pulling weeds, but it works for me)
- Walking the dogs or just by myself
- Laying in the hammock (probably napping while listening to music)
- Pinterest (so many boards, so many ideas, so many recipes!)
- Shopping (in person & online)
- Baking (taking a break from this since I’ve cut sugar & flour out of my diet)
- Hang out by/in the pool soaking in the sun (vitamin C, very important)
These are just some of the things I do to “Cope” with life. I will admit, sleeping is one of the biggest things I do. When I wake up from a nap, I tend to feel better. To be honest, I don’t sleep well at night, so daytime naps help me a lot. And I guess I could probably add “writing a blog” to my list of coping mechanisms.
So, even though today “I can’t”, I actually “am”….I’m coping. I’m getting through. I walked the dogs (ugh, so tiring). Showered. Napped. Wrote this post. It’s not a lot, as I’m sure most people are working their asses off at their job or raising little kids, but for me, this is what I can do.