I think it makes sense to start with my depression since I have been struggling with it for as long as I can remember. Let’s start with my diagnosis….As you may have read about John’s & my story of meeting and falling in love, what’s not in there is the stressfulness of that year. I had kicked a renter out of my house for having a party and trashing the place; money was tight; I got super drunk in front of my extended family one night (like black out, falling down kinda thing) which I was reminded of constantly (btw the one & only time I ever did that); John moved in and we got engaged; my dad’s cancer came back, he had a bone marrow transplant; and we were planning our wedding (plus two of our siblings got married earlier the same year). We were dealing with a lot of changes and as the wedding approached, I started to melt down. The slightest amount of stress would start the water works. Even at my job I was crying.
One particular day, I just couldn’t stop crying. I called John at his desk (he worked 2 floors below me) and told him I didn’t know what to do, we are planning our wedding, I should be happy but I couldn’t stop feeling sad and crying. I needed help. He said whatever I need. Here’s the thing, when you’re in the middle of the deep pit, you can’t make decisions on your own. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. Then I remembered that my company offered employee benefits, specifically EAP (Employee Assistance Program). So, I called them. They put me in touch with a therapist. I figured I had nothing to lose at this point. I got three visits that the company would pay for. Her name was Lisa, and she was pretty cool. She diagnosed me within the first few minutes of hearing my tale of woe. Not surprising, I had all the symptoms of depression. Just look at the list (from WebMD) to the left, especially the top 3! Quite frankly, I can’t ever think of a time when I haven’t been absolutely exhausted. I can sleep more than 8 hours, wake up and be so tired within the hour that I need to lie down and sleep. Even in high school I’d take a nap after school every day, and I was usually in bed by 9:30pm. Anyway, Lisa helped me realize that I wasn’t “crazy” or being overly dramatic, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
That was more than 21 years ago, and I was 28 years old at the time. As Lisa and I talked she would ask questions about my past to try and assess how long I’ve been living with this. Well, I definitely remember wanting to commit suicide in high school, maybe even before then as a preteen. But it went further back than that…I can remember being as young as five years old and feeling worthless, sad, tired and lonely and just wanting to disappear.
And for those of you who know me, irritability is a go to for me. When you’re tired and lonely, you are invariably angry, mean, bitchy.
Even today, when my stress level goes up, I get snappy. Just ask John and Jakob. Of course, John has been with me long enough that he knows it’s the depression and anxiety talking. And Jakob knows just to “get out of mom’s way”. It’s rather sad really. It’s almost like a snake striking to protect itself. And I hate it about myself.
Now, most of you are thinking, “well, we ALL feel these things from time to time, that doesn’t mean you have depression.” And in most people this is true. The difference is that these “feelings” never, and I mean never, go away. Even today I am struggling while I’m sitting here typing this….the difference is that it may take days for this “feeling” to pass, and even then it’s still kinda there underneath, in the background. My mother used to tell me that I needed to “decide” to be happy. Just wake up and decide you’re going to have a good day and be in a good mood. That’s sort of how she said it anyway. Problem is, it doesn’t work like that. John has often explained that I really don’t have control over it, much like diabetics can’t control their insulin levels. Yeah, there are things you can do to help it, in my case I have “coping mechanisms” — diet, exercise, coloring, reading, etc. But sometimes they just aren’t enough. Frankly, my go to (as Lisa told me during a session once) is that I “avoid” by, you guessed it, going to sleep. I guess at least when I’m sleeping the negative thoughts are quiet.